Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve or will I use it to beat myself up?

7 April 2010

WOW! It has been a month since I have made a posting. I just simply could not do it, especially in light of this Right Question, Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will I use it to beat myself up? "This Right Question will immediately shift our perspective from one of self-doubt or recrimination to one of open-minded learning" (Ford, 2003, p. 118). This has been a HARD month for me. Week after week, I felt I was still in the growing and evolving process. I was not ready to move on to the next Right Question. Finally, I have broken free. That is not to say that the growing and evolving has been completed. It only means that I have experienced so many paradigm shifts on so many levels that I am ready to move forward once more.

Once I fully knew that my healing was about me, and my love's healing was about him (refer to my previous posting), it sort of initially set me up energetically as "every man for himself." I got this mental image of the plane crashing into the ocean and hearing the flight attendant's reminder to put on your own oxygen mask first. Thus began the process of not beating myself up; trying to remember to breathe. That came in handy time and time again: remember to breathe.

The second thing I knew that I had to do, immediately, was detach. I had to detach from the probability that the relationship was over. I had to know without a doubt that if I never heard from him again, I would be okay. I had to utterly and completely surrender it all, so that I would not use the mistakes I had made in our relationship as a club with which to beat myself. Of course, my ability to surrender and the levels of detachment I was able to reach morphed through many incarnations over the past month. What I can say for sure is that the relationship has served its purpose, and I have become liberated.

This is where the growing and evolving part comes in for me: being able to recognize and appreciate all of the wonderful things I have learned about myself through the experience of that very intense relationship. There are a lot of finer points that I could elaborate on that might only mean anything purposeful to me. However, as I look over my internal landscape, I am able to identify two key areas of growth that relate specifically to how I have evolved and the subsequent transformation of the way in which I communicate. Communication is a tricky thing. It occurs on the subtlest of levels to the most overt. It is intregal to how we relate to ourselves as well as how we relate to others.

The first area of growth for me occured in being able to identify that I had a long standing imbalance between my masculine and feminine energies. From my childhood experiences, starting with my position as the oldest child, through my experiences as an adult, including being a single parent, my energies were constantly being pushed towards a masculine expression in order to manage and cope with the personal and professional situations at hand. If I did not do it, it was not going to get done.

It was startling for me to realize that I did not even know how to express my feminine energy. There had been no strong female role models in my life. The women I knew were subservient to, and in many ways emotionally and psychologically imprisoned by, the men in their lives. I had already determined from my earliest awareness that I was never going to allow a man to tell me what I could and could not do; I was not ever going to put myself in a position where I had to ask a man's permission to do anything. This was the first shift from a place of balance into "the safety and protection" of my masculine energy. It was also the birth of the hidden belief that a married woman is not a free woman. This certainly explains to me why I am 47 and have never been married. Afterall, who in their right mind would willingly allow themselves to get caught in a steel trap only to have to gnaw off their foot to break free????

As I thought about and literally researched how I should or could express myself in a more feminine manner, I felt more and more panicked. The pricks of pain this conscious exploration caused me was like the blood trying to flow into a limb that has "fallen asleep." I was unable to find any cultural expression or ideal of the feminine with which I could identify that could help me move into my feminine side. I was looking for some type of archetypical roadmap that could help me find my way into this unchartered territory and ensure my success. Instead, I felt like I was trying to squeeze into a costume to appear as though I was being feminine. It was awkward and uncomfortable. That is when the answer finally came to me. I had to allow my feminine energy to emerge from within me, like a rose blooming on a bush, so that the uniqueness and the authenticity of my feminine self could be revealed. That was a scary realization. I had no idea what it would look like, nor whether, once revealed, if it would be acceptable. Still, I knew it was crucial to allow the transformation to occur, not only for me as a person so that I could become whole, but also in terms of being able to start communicating from this softer and more receptive place. I had been fighting battles for so long. I was exhausted from carrying the weight of my sword. My life's path was strewn with too many lost relationships.

The second area of growth for me was in being able to identify my own boundaries and then standing strong to keep them in place. A friend of mine once told me that it is difficult for adults of childhood abuse to set and maintain boundaries. She explained to me that this is because a person who is a victim of abuse has had their boundaries consistently violated. The word "boundary" was hard for me to internalize. I could not formulate an image that represented the concept. I did not know how to identify what a boundary for me would be. I did not understand, if I did know what one was, how I would be able to maintain it.

This has been a long, painful process for me that has slowly evolved over the past two and a half years. I am so proud to be able to say that I finally get it. It is because of my being able to recognize and respect my own boundaries that I have become liberated. This is true freedom that has nothing to do with whether you are a man or a woman. In one way, this learning process has been another facet of my transformation. This facet, however, has to do with how I communicate with myself. In another way, this growth has provided me with a safety-net that has enabled me to restore my balance, shifting from my masculine energy back into my feminine energy. By being able to recognize and respect my own boundaries, I no longer need to "protect" myself with the hidden belief that married women are not free. I no longer need to fight against the world from a place of total masculine energy. I can now communicate with myself and with others from a much more compassionate place.

"Free will provides us with the power to choose how we will deal with our experiences. ... Everything in this life can be used to transform us, to bring us closer to our spiritual essence and our dreams. ... That is what is meant by the saying, 'Life is a teacher to the wise man and an enemy to the fool.' By seeing life as a teacher, we transcend the pain and suffering we put on ourselves" (Ford, 2003, pp. 116-117). I emphasized the words "we put on ourselves" because it is important to realize, before any growth or evolution can occur within us, that all of our pain and suffering, external and internal, is created by and/or attracted by ourselves in order for us to be able to identify exactly where we are ready to heal and release.

By the way, I was sent this quote today, and I think it is perfect for our discussion:

I try to use the phrase “Tell me where I’m wrong” at least four or five times a day. Try it. You’ll see that while insisting that you’re right is gratifying, accepting that you’re wrong can be transformative. ~ Martha Beck, O Magazine, March 2007

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 10, Does this choice empower me or does it disempower me?

Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?



REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Will this choice add to my life force or will it rob me of my energy?

The one thing that this week has done is proven to me that I am 47 years old and far from mastering standing in my own power. The person I love, whom I referred to last week, told me yesterday that I am always looking for the bad and expecting the worst. WOW! That really stung! Especially after I had just spent the previous week really focused on looking for what's right.

The problem, again, boils down to communication. We have different communication styles. He tends to withdraw and not communicate at all. The other problem is that, being significantly older, I am able to see little things that do not make sense which set-off alarms for me. Couple that with the fact that I am a woman, I also intuitively feel when things are not right. With him not communicating, and me being left to my own devices while knowing something is "off," naturally my mind starts to fill in all the blanks on its own. Sure, I will admit that the blanks may be filled in with the worst case scenarios. So, on that point, I have to concede that he is right. However, I am not the only one wielding a sword. He has one too. I am naturally a problem-solver. As a problem-solver, I am always looking for answers. Researching answers requires a lot of question asking in order to know in which direction I should go. When I start to ask him questions, he raises his sword. He immediately becomes defensive. Now, we are striking at each other, the wounding begins, and the cycle is put into motion. He retreats for extended periods of time, punishing me with his silence. He knows I adore him, and will eventually come after him. I do. I have been the one that has always reached out first. But I only reach out after I have looked at myself inside and out to find out what I have done wrong, and have figured out why I did it. During these mini-breaks, is he introspective and self-reflective? I cannot say. I do not know. However, through the course of doing this work, I have uncovered for myself, source after source of pain that I have never before known. Through this course, I have had the courage to own my pain and be responsible for its healing.

This time I have learned something new. As much as I want to go after him, I keep stopping myself. I cannot stand the thought that he might in any way be suffering because of something I have done. And then, I stop myself. I do not in any way want him to attribute labels of judgement, embarrassment or shame to my words because they were never intended to do that. And then, I stop myself. I want desperately for him to understand that my words were spoken from a place of deep hurt, and not as a motive to cause him pain. And then, I stop myself. I stop myself because I have realized that we are equals in this relationship. I stop myself because, just as I realized last week that I cannot blame him for my pain, I have come to realize that he cannot blame me for his pain. I stop myself because I have become aware that, in this dance, we are only showing each other the places within ourselves that are ready to be healed. I stop myself because I have realized that just as tending to my suffering is my responsibility, so too is tending to his suffering his responsibility. I stop myself because, finally, I have realized, despite my Cancer rising and my Cancer moon, that no matter how much I want to, I cannot take away his pain. I know that it is through our pain and suffering that we grow. As much as I want to nurture and protect him, I love him too much to try to take away an opportunity for him to grow and become the best he can be.

So, you see, by choosing this time not to go after him, I am standing in my power. By understanding why I am making this concious choice, I am looking for what is right in something that at first glance, appears to be so wrong. Finally, by practicing these two Right Questions:

• Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?
• Am I looking for what's right or am I looking for what's wrong?

I am making choices that add to my life force. By stopping the cycle, and waiting for him to come to me this time, we will restore balance to our relationship. Having a balanced relationship will also add to my life force.

One other thing that my love said to me this week was, "Whenever you feel bad and all is closed in on your face, or even when you're angry, just pray." So, this is another choice that I am making to add to my life force. I am praying. I am praying for him. I am praying for me. I am praying for us. When I pray, I feel completely connected to him. That feeling of connection adds to my life force as well because, ultimately, I know that he and I are one. Salam, my dear.

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 9, Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve or will I use it to beat myself up?

How apropos that this question is rising up to meet me at this exact juncture in my path. Allah is merciful, indeed!

Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?



REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Am I looking for what's right or am I looking for what's wrong?

Deciding to look for what's right is a bit like finding Neverland. Some may scoff, and insist that you can't make something so just by believing it. However, I have come to know the magical power of looking for what's right. When we choose to look for what's right in our world, "...we gain immediate access to the level of conciousness where love and gratitude reside" (Ford, 2003, p. 96). "Looking for what's right opens our hearts and allows us to live in a state of gratitude for what we have" (Ford, 2003, p. 96).

That's where the magic is, in our hearts. When we engage the world from a place within our hearts, suddenly we are overtaken by a feeling of joyful expectancy. We approach each moment with a heightened sense of anticipation, like a child, believing and knowing that something wonderful is about to happen.

Looking for what's right transports us into the magical perfection of the simplest of moments. Sitting on your couch in flannel pajamas, wearing wool socks, covered by a warm blanket, with two toy poodles snuggled up against you, becomes a timeless place when, all at once, you become aware of just how right all really is in the world. You look deep into the eyes of a furry little friend, and you are able to recognize the love and adoration that he is sending you. Holding his gaze, reaching ever deeper into his eyes, he too recognizes the love that you are sending him. Slowly and gently, he lifts a paw and reaches out to touch your cheek, as if to say, "Yes, this moment is real. Our hearts have become one." Without words, the magic has spoken.

Have you ever lamented that your relationship is no longer fun and has lost the romance? Did you blame your partner? "We must all ask ourselves what would happen if we changed the lens through which we view the world...What would be possible if we approached our partners as though their sole purpose was to bring us ecstasy and joy? What would we hear? What would we see? What would be possible" (Ford, 2003, p. 103)?

We are, each of us, equal participants. If you want fun in your relationship, make it fun. If you want romance, be romantic. It is amazing to discover how what we put out into the world finds its way back to us. By taking responsibility for our lives, for our relationships, and by choosing to believe and see them as being alright, we create the magic, and the people in our lives respond to it. They can't help themselves. The magic we create touches their hearts, opening them up to that same wonderous place of love.

Neverland is within each of us. Each of us can go there anytime we like, just by choosing to look for what's right instead of looking for what's wrong. Choosing to go to Neverland changes a cold and rainy, dark and dreary afternoon into an enchanted day of delicious foods, wonderful drink, warm company and heartfelt laughs. Choosing to go to Neverland is merely a simple choice, a choice made in an instant. The power to choose is yours. Grab onto that power like the tail of a kite. Don't let it go. Let the lightness in your heart carry you to magical places.

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 8, Will This Choice Add to My Life Force or Will it Rob Me of My Energy?


Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?



REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Am I Standing in my Power or Am I Trying to Please Another?

This week's work with this particular Right Question, Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?, has left me emotionally raw and gasping for air.

I don't suppose it is any coincidence that the culmination of this week coincides with an incredibly rare celestial event, Neptune conjunct Chiron. According to my astrologer, Astrogrrl Jan, Chiron is related to things that are broken, deeply rooted things, and old wounds and healing (personal communication, 2010 January 24). Neptune is related to hope, being able to understand things on a spirtual level, enlightenment and the unseen world (personal communication, 2010 January 24). For me personally, this rare event is occuring in my 8th house. Again, according to Astrogrrl Jan, the 8th house has to do with having to cut ties to get the healing and having to experience a complete death before you can transform it (personal communication, 2010 January 24). She uses the analogy of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

Funny, I don't feel like a butterfly. I'm not even sure I feel like a caterpillar, snug as a bug (no pun intended), in a chrysalis. What I do feel, as I told Stevee yesterday morning when she called to see how I was doing, is like I am in the proverbial fetal position. It seems that with Jan's insight, and Suzi Dronzek's astrological forecast for February 17, 2010, I am actually right on track. Why don't I feel a sense of relief??? Is it because the final death blow has not been wielded?? What more "wonderful healing experiences" have I yet to encounter?

Just to assure you that I am really not in a state of histrionics, here is Suzi's posting:

"Depending on where our frame of mind is now - we experience hidden mystical forces that come knocking at our window - ready to steer us into 'Never Never Land' as Neptune conjuncts wounded healer Chiron 12:07am. This heavenly energy presents us with two new roads that will influence our destiny. This first path is an old familiar road that leads us to the 'land of make-believe', where we escape responsibilities by avoiding reality and placing blame. The second path presents us with a new vision to release and heal our past with moral responsibility, so that we 'Never Never' have to play the victim again. Which path have you been dreaming of? Magic exists now, if you believe it. Strong emotional urges for control begin to creep up on us as Moon squares shadowy Pluto 5:00am. Power glows within our own skin, but is weakened by outside influences. Embrace your inner strength. Emotions and common sense unite as Moon sextile logical Mercury 5:23pm, increasing our understanding. The heavens begin to clear out, and we are free to do as we wish without harsh distractions. Dare to bury the past, once and for all - by utilizing this adventurous Aries moon to embark on new journeys - to experience life and love again" ("Daily Horoscope Happenings, February 17," 2010)!

I am aware that I am on the second path that Suzi mentions. I find it rather serendipitous that this path, "a new vision to release and heal our past with moral responsibility, so that we 'Never Never' have to play the victim again," so neatly ties in with this week's Right Question, Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?.

Debbie tells us, " Our instincts are like a barometer; they let us know when we have assigned our power to someone else. Our instincts whisper in our ears, 'Wake up and pay attention. Something's wrong. They shouldn't be treating me like this.' ... If we shrink at the thought of confrontation, chances are we feel too intimidated to speak our truth. ... In order to stand fully in our power we have to become comfortable with confrontation. We have to give ourselves permission to rock the boat and make some waves. We must trust that it is more important that we stick up for ourselves than that we gain the approval of others" (Ford, 2003, p. 86).

I have shared all of this with you because nothing else could better describe exactly what I have been going through this week. That same old wound, "feel[ing] too intimidated to speak [my] truth," is being dealt with once more. This time, though, on an even deeper level.

As Julia Robert's character, Julianne, enlightens us in My Best Friend's Wedding, there are several layers to the deep level. There is the pond scum level, but below that there is "...the fungus that feeds on pond scum. [And] lower[,] the layer of mucous that cruds up the fung[us]" (Bass, n.d.). But then Michael, Dermot Mulroney's charcter, is kind enough to remind us that even two layers below that is "the pus that infects the mucous that cruds up the fungus" (Bass, n.d.). Yep, you guessed it! That's where I am. (Really, I'm serious!! No histrionics going on here at all!)

I guess by now you are probably wondering just what it is that good ole' Neptune has enlightened me to regarding this level of pus, mucous and fungus. That's a fair question. One that is not easy to answer. Not because I don't know the answer, but because I find myself struggling to find the words to explain the answer. Of course it goes back to something I alluded to in my previous posting: the abuse. However, this is specific to the sexual abuse. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm??? Sounds like 8th house stuff to me. Thanks, Astrogrrl!!!

So, keeping this week's Right Question in mind, I am going to muster up the courage to share this with you while trying to keep it in a nut shell. Bare with me...

There is a person in my life whom I absolutely love, cherish and respect. I am so grateful and appreciative to know this person, and our relationship is extremely important to me. For the past four months, we have been dealing with communication issues. These issues became more pronounced over the past month, and then this week, it all just went to hell.

What I have become aware of through these experiences, is that the manner in which this individual does and/or does not communicate with me or respond to me has been reminding me on a subconcious level of the exact manner that the person who sexually abused me would treat me.

The abuser would not acknowledge me during the day. He would treat me as though I were invisible by not responding to me or by excluding me from his communication with our siblings. His manner towards me during the day would be cold, distant and unfeeling. This was devastating to me because I looked up to him as an older brother, somewhat with hero worship. He was loved and adored by everyone in the family. We all wanted to be with him. However, his day-time treatment of me would banish me to a place of isolation where he would only occassionally venture just to be cruel to me in front of everyone else. Then, at night, he would come to me acting loving, interested and attentive. It was such a state of confusion and dichotomy for me. I craved his attention; I was desperate for his acknowledgement and approval. Yet, my intuitive self knew that what he was doing to me was wrong. Having already had my voice stripped from me by my parents, I was afraid to reveal what was going on. I believed I would be blamed for it, and thus punished for it. This set up a life-long conflict between my heart and my mind. So, not only was I being sexually abused by him, I was also being emotionally and psychologically abused by him.

Now I understand why I panic and become desperate when someone I love stops communicating with me or will not respond to me, even if it is only my perception that that is what is happening. This pre-existing conflict between my heart and my mind is triggered. The emotional and psychological abuses are activated. It is a vicious cycle. The more desperate I become, the further isolated and tortured I feel. The more isolated and tortured I feel, the more desperate I become. And in this place, I become intimate once more with the pus, the mucous and the fungus.

This has been an incredible awareness heightening for me. I do believe that awareness is the first step towards healing. It seems that the Universe is definitely conspiring for this aspect of myself to be healed once and for all. Yesterday I received an email from Martha's Quote of the Day that read, "Stopping to clean, dress and stitch up your emotional injuries is a key step toward attaining the life you want.—Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star"

I am cleaning, dressing and stitching up these emotional injuries. It is my prayer and my hope that in the process, this relationship that is so dear to me will also be healed.

One final note regarding this week's Right Question. Debbie reminds us, "Each time we ignore our own needs to please another, we disconnect from our own ability to love and nurture ourselves. Please remember that pleasing another is not the same as caring for another. ... This Right Question will support you in reclaiming your power in every aspect of your life" (Ford, 2003, pp. 92-93).

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 7, Am I Looking for What's Right or Am I Looking for What's Wrong?

Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?

For myself, the best way I know to do this is to follow Suzi's advice and "dare to bury the past, once and for all - by utilizing this adventurous Aries moon to embark on new journeys - to experience life and love again" ("Daily Horoscope Happenings, February 17," 2010)!


REFERENCES:

Bass, R. (n.d.) My best friend's wedding first draft screenplay. Retrieved February 17, 2010, from http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/My-Best-Friend

Dronzek, S. (2010). Daily horoscope happenings, February 17. Horoscope Happenings blogspot. Retrieved February 17, 2010, from http://ow.ly/16AYOC

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Will this choice bring me long-term fullfillment or will it bring me short-term gratification?

Did you ever spend a summer afternoon as a child on the swing in your backyard trying to find out just how many licks it does take to get to the center of a Tootise-Pop?

I did. It took me an entire afternoon. I counted lick after lick, patiently waiting to get to the center. I made it. I knew the answer. I even wrote a letter to the company to let them know. I never heard back from them.

Perhaps that afternoon was a foreshadow to my life's purpose. Could it be that my life's purpose is to find out just how many shards a heart can break into in one lifetime?

Every choice I have had to make this week has centered around the long-term fullfillment of healing my heart, my emotional self, versus the short-term gratification of wallowing in the gut wrenching pain that makes my heart want to jump out of my chest. I know. You must be asking yourself, "Where is the gratification in that?" The answer is that it is just easier.

Each choice I had to make forced me to choose just how gentle I would be with myself, to actually choose to love and honor, not only myself, but the process...the healing process. That, in truth, then must be my real life's purpose: To experience LOVE without pain. What kind of love must that be? I suppose, ultimately, it is indeed Self-love.

I have known since my earliest childhood recollection that I was meant to "find" my life's partner. I have known that my life's partner and I would do a great work together. Now, at the age of 47, and after a lifetime of searching and waiting, I realize that the life partner I was meant to find was myself.

"'Remember that with every step, you are nearing God, and God, too, when you take one step towards Him, takes ten towards you. There is no stopping place in his pilgrimage; it is one continuous journey, through day and night, through valley and desert, through tears and smiles, through death and birth, through tomb and womb. When the road ends, and the Goal is gained, the pilgrim finds that he has traveled only from himself to himself, that the way was long and lonesome, but, the God that led him unto, was all the while in him, around him, with him and beside him'" (Hislop, 1985, p. 81)!

As a child, my voice was consistently and methodically stripped from me. I was never asked what I thought or felt about anything. I was not allowed to have an opinion. To have an opinion was considered to be talking-back. To talk-back was to take your very life into your hands. So, for self-preservation, out of a need to survive, my voice was silenced. Even in dire times, when I needed to be able to protect myself from those who would abuse me, I could not, for I had been silenced. There was no voice. I could not speak up or speak out. So an entire childhood passed by me into young womanhood where I was abused over and over again: verbally, emotionally, psychologically, and yes, even sexually. Why is it that those that we should be able to trust most ~ our mother, our father, our cousin ~ are the ones from whom we need the most protection?

In travelling from myself to myself, I have found my voice. Every fiber of my beingness compels me to speak out. I have the ability to say it like it is, and I must. I can no longer be wary of rocking the boat. I can no longer hold back.

This is the choice that will bring me long-term fullfillment. To choose, in every moment, to speak out, and to speak with no fear. The fears of judgement, ridicule, and condemnation have been released. I no longer need to succumb to the short-term gratification of mere survival. My long-term fulfillment is to thrive, for my very fire to burn brightly like a bonfire. My voice is the fuel. As my fire burns bright, the healing transpires.

Are you experiencing the sort of profound breakthroughs that Stevee and I are having? If so, please tell us about them. We really do want to know. We are in awe of this path on which we find ourselves through this work. Let us know that you are walking beside us.

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 6, Am I Standing in My Power or Am I Trying to Please Another?

Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?



REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Hislop, J. S. 1985. My Baba and I. California: Birth Day Publishing Company.

Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future?

It's been a very tough two weeks. I am so sorry that I missed you last week. I am amazed at how delving into this work turns your world upside down and your Self inside out. Asking yourself each day, all day long, "How am I going to LOVE and HONOR myself today?", is like unleasing the genie from the bottle. Creating your vision map throws your life from reverse or first gear into fifth. There is no quicker way to dig up and release the sludge in every aspect of your being: spiritual, mental, emotional and physical.

My concious choices relative to the right question, "Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future, or will it keep me stuck in the past?", has unlocked startling hidden darknesses within me, but has also enabled Love to flow into those nooks and crannies. Through this process I have been able to refine my vision map, making it clearer and more authentic, so that it truly answers the call of my soul.

The absolute Truth that I have been able to fully integrate within me by asking myself this right question over the past two weeks is the complete knowing and understanding of how we totally douse our flames when we allow ourselves to become emotionally attached to people, events and things. When we allow ourselves to become emotionally attached to anyone or anything, we are giving away our power. Our power comes directly from our internal flame. The only way we are able to allow ourselves to give away our power is by being in a state of unconciousness. We are only able to emotionally detach when we have the full awareness that we have unconciously allowed ourselves to become emotionally attached. It is through our emotional attachments that we are slammed, over and over again, by the freight train of emotional pain, emotional chaos and emotional manipulation. Nothing outside of ourselves can cause us to have those experiences. Other people DO NOT cause us to experience emotional pain. It is our emotional ATTACHMENT to the other person that causes us to experience the pain. Thus, we must emotionally DETACH from everything outside of ourselves. This is the greatest act of Self-love that we can commit. No one can do this for us. No one can or ever will love us as much as we are able to love ourselves.

"The birth of detachment in man assures him of the birth of bliss in him" (Sathya Sai Baba, 1993, p. 43). "Detachment alone can lead one to the awareness of the immortal Self. That is the price one has to offer to receive the reward. Give up and gain, that is the Divine Law" (Sathya Sai Baba, 1971, p.183).

The reason people feel like they cannot live without him, her or it is because they really cannot. They cannot because they have turned over all their power to the other person or thing. In doing so, they have reduced their own internal flame to a mere smoldering ember. When we turn over our power to another individual, thereby becoming emotionally attached, we have given all the fuel for our flame to their flame. We try to feed ourselves from that other person's flame. We are unable to do this, and so we start to feel suffocated. We cannot breathe because our flame is slowly dying. We have very little to nothing left within us to continue to fuel ourselves. As soon as we become conscious of this and emotionally detach, immediately our smoldering ember bursts into a flicker once more. This little flicker grows stronger and stronger as we remain emotionally detached and regain our personal power.

Stand strong in your power. Feed your flame daily to keep it roaring. Propel yourself towards an inspiring future!

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 5, Will this choice bring me long-term fullfillment or will it bring me short-term gratification?

Until next week, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?


REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Sathya Sai Baba. (1993). Summer showers in Brindavan (Trans.). Sri Sathya Sai Books and Publications Trust, India: Prashanti Niliyam.

Sathya Sai Baba. (1971, August 24). Sathya Sai speaks (Vol 11, Trans.) Sri Sathya Sai Books and Publications Trust, India: Prashanti Niliyam.

The Moment of Choice ~ Breathing Life Into Your Vision Plan

Karen Blixen: "Do you remember how it was on safari? In the afternoons I would send you ahead to look for a camp, and you would wait for me."

Farah: "You can see the fire, and come to this place."

Karen Blixen: "Yes. Well, it will be like that. Only this time I will go ahead and wait for you."

Farah: "It is far, where you are going?"

Karen Blixen: "Yes."

Farah: "You must make this fire very big, so I can find you."

(Excerpt from the film, Out of Africa. Transcribed by Drew, http://www.script-o-rama.com/)

When I think about this scene from the movie, Out of Africa, I realize that there is a significantly deeper meaning to this exchange than I first realized. Certainly, over the years, Karen and Farah had developed a friendship that transcended their domestic roles: hers as his employer, his as her man-servant. Although this brief exchange highlights that friendship, it also reveals that there was an intimacy to their friendship that, perhaps, developed from a mutual respect of each other as human beings, and possibly even as divine beings. So, even though the fire they speak of literally makes reference to the actual fires that Farah would build on safari to guide the party to him, I believe it also signifies the internal flame that Karen and Farah acknowledge within each other, the divine flame, or connection, that will keep them bound to each other, no matter time or distance.

This flame that each of us has within us, our life force, is the essence of who we are. So, it is inevitable that we will keep coming back to this force ~ this fire ~ this flame, as we practice self-love and grow in our self-love. "A strong flame propels us into higher states of conciousness, where self-love and emotional freedom reside" (Ford, 2003, p. 12).

This flame is also the most critical element for creating our vision plan, and staying on track to manifest our vision. "A healthy flame fills our minds with vision and inspiration and gives us the stamina to envision our dreams and go after them" (Ford, 2003, p.12). Keeping our flames healthy brings us back around, full circle, to the choices we make. Remember, we can make choices that dim our flame, or we can make choices that make our flame roar. "If we wish to stand in all our light, if we wish to express ourselves authentically, and if we want the power to bring our purpose to the world, our first committment must be to keep our internal fires - our life force - strong" (Ford, 2003, p. 14). Thus, we can clearly see now that:

• it is in our power to choose to build a healthy flame,
• having a healthy flame will inspire us and empower us to live our soul's purpose,
• our vision plan is the physical representation of that inspiration ~ an actual map for manifesting our purpose, and finally,
• back around to our choices once more, we are able to stay on track and follow the map that leads us to our soul's reason for being.

How profound then to know that three things we can choose to do to make our flame roar are:

1. doing what we love
2. going after our dreams, and
3. making choices consistent with were we want to go (Ford, 2003, p. 19).

This is the most phenomenal "win-win" situation that I have ever come across!

Stevee and I were excited to share our vision plans with each other. We had created them around the same areas of our lives that I shared with you last week:

• financial
• physical health
• emotional health
• work/career/education
• personal relationships
• spirituality

Interestingly, we discovered, for both of us, that our emotional health is very intricately connected to our personal relationships.

We began our coaching session, as agreed, by taking an inventory of how strong our internal flames were at that moment. We discussed some of the challenges that we were each confronting in our lives, and were able to identify how our hidden commitments were influencing our reactions to these challenges, thus dimming our flames. We were aware that the challenges, in and of themselves, did not have the power to dim our flames. In fact, possibly by the mere virtue of having embarked on this journey, we had been given the gift of experiencing, as the silent witness, exactly how our hidden commitments were sabotaging us. We were concious of the thoughts, the emotions and the responses ~ the bag of tricks ~ that our internal critic, our self-saboteur, was using to keep us perpetually derailed.

This conscious experience enabled us to realize that our belief that we gain personal power by allowing the self-critic to micro-manage and control what is going on in our lives is just an illusion. In truth, allowing our self-critic to turn us into control freaks is terribly disempowering. We could feel the actual impact of this on our flames. The recognition of this illusion opened us up to a tremendous paradigm shift. We were able to see the truth: we become empowered when we surrender our control to, or as Debbie would say ~ have faith in, the wisdom of our Source, our Divinity, the Universe. You may call this God, Great Spirit, Yehovah, or Allah. For us, they are all names for the ONE.

We were well satisfied with our vision plans as we described them in detail to each other. We reminded ourselves that "it is essential to take a moment every day in which [we] focus on [our] vision and bring [our] goals into [our] concious awareness" (Ford, 2003, pp. 30-31). This is important because "this daily practice will inspire [us] to make the highest choices for [ourselves] throughout the day" (Ford, 2003, p. 31). I suggested that in addition, we should work on creating a picture on a foam board of our visions that we could show to each other next week. We have all heard about the power behind seeing what we want.

So, Stevee and I feel good about being on our way to creating an extraordinary life for ourselves. Daily, we are growing in our awareness and experience of self-love. If you have had any of your own enlightened insights as a result of this practice, please share them with us.

Next Monday begins the weekly study of each of the right questions. We will be talking about the first right question, Chapter 4, Will this choice propel me toward an inspiring future or will it keep me stuck in the past?.

Until next week, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?

REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Out Of Africa Script - Dialogue Transcript. Retrieved January 18, 2010, from http://www.script-o-rama.com/movie_scripts/o/out-of-africa-script-transcript.html