Exposing our Underlying Commitments

First, I have to be honest and admit, that out of the 10 friends that I had invited to join me on this odyssey, only one actually took me up on the offer. That's okay, though! As Sathya Sai Baba reminds us, it is quality not quantity that matters most. This also presented me with an opportunity to use the right question, "Am I looking for what's right, or am I looking for what's wrong?," when I had to accept the fact that not only were 9 of my friends not going to participate, but the majority of them had not even acknowledged or responded to my invitation. By using this question, I was able to remind myself that:

1. everything is always exactly the way it should be, and
2. self-love is about the self.

Thus, whomever may or may not join me, this journey, ultimately, is about rediscovering my innate love for my ownself. No problem!!! Afterall, "when we love ourselves fully and freely, something magical happens. We teach others, without using words, how to love themselves" (Ford, 2003, p. 137). And that's exactly why I am writing this blog.

Stevee and I were both excited to get started when she arrived last night. We had already been trying to practice the right questions throughout the course of the week as little obstacles and large challenges confronted us. There were moments when we both had come face-to-face with our own self-hatred. (Yes, Debbie, I can say the word. I will not let it intimidate me!)

I suppose if you are travelling towards self-love, it is inevitable that you will meet up with your lifelong pal, your parnter-in-crime, self-hatred. (Or rather, self-sabotage, the term Debbie prefers to use in order to avoid the natural aversion to such a strong word.) However, "...from [her] perspective every act of self-sabotage is an act of self-hatred" (Ford, 2003, p. 139). Which brings us to the work of exposing our underlying commitments. For, "when we engage in self-sabotaging behaviors, ... we allow unhealthy underlying commitments to direct us away from our desired destinations" (Ford, 2003, p. 140).

Before we delved into this monumental undertaking that was going to require pick-axes and safety goggles, Stevee and I decided that it would be a good idea to take some time at the beginning of each weekly session to check-in on our internal flame, the flame that Ammachi showed Debbie during a meditation at a weekend retreat. "Each of us has an internal flame that is the keeper of our life force" (Ford, 2003, p. 12). As Debbie related her experience, I instantly recognized this flame to be the same life force that is discussed in Daishonin Buddhism. Through this Buddhism, we are taught that chanting the name of the mystic law ~ The Lotus Sutra ~Nam-myoho-renge-kyo, "enables us to...enjoy a life-force as strong and radiant as the rising sun" (Yamamoto, 2009, p. 4). So, Stevee and I agreed that we would check-in with our flame to see how bright it was on a scale of 1-10, and then discuss choices, concious and/or unconcious, that we had made during the day that either dimmed our flame or made it roar.

We both felt our flames were burning pretty brightly. Stevee said her's was a 9; I saw mine as an 8. We were both delighted about having such strong flames after the really hard week we had been through. It was very empowering to take an inventory of all the choices that had made our flames roar. One of the things I became aware of through this process was that I felt that some of the choices I had made the day before that had fed my flame enabled my flame to continue to burn brighter and start my new day from a healthier, stronger place. So, as I continued to feed my flame during the day, it began to roar as it grew in strength.

Here are some of the choices I made that allowed my flame to grow and burn brightly:

• resting (getting 9 hours of sleep)
• exercising (doing 40-minutes on the eliptical machine)
• eating well (staying within my Weight Watcher's daily points)
• spending my money wisely = taking responsibility
• creating a powerful support system (Champions of Self-Love)
• being with people who inspire me (my personal coach, Stevee)

Now, for the dirty (and scary) work.....

Initially, I thought it might be a good idea to identify various aspects of our lives for which we would attempt to excavate the hidden commitment. I got this idea from an episode of Will and Grace where Will was talking to Grace about a test he had found in the Lifestyle section of the newspaper called "The 5 Pillars of Happiness" (Kohan, Mutchnick & Greenstein, 2000):

1. Health
2. Family
3. Love Life
4. Friendships
5. Work

My list looked a little different:

1. Financial
2. Work/Career
3. Personal Relationships
4. Physical Health
5. Emotional Health
6. Spirituality

Ok, so I have six areas instead of five. It's still the same basic idea. You should come up with your own areas. If you think of one that's different than these, please let us know about it.

What we discovered in the process was that we both had 2 underlying commitments that were intricately tied to each other and permeated every aspect of our lives. This was a big "aha" moment for us! I promised Stevee that I wouldn't include her personal revelations, but for me, after 27 years of "being on the path" and "peeling back layer after layer," I finally dug through to that core place.

I have been sabotaging myself for my entire adult life because I have unconciously been making choices that would keep me from being in a position where I would have no voice, and having no voice keeps me from being able to defend my thoughts, beliefs, opinions, words, and actions, and being unable to defend myself makes me feel inferior. It is amazing how when the light shines onto this false-truth you are able to identify the most insignificant things in your life that have been impacted by it. For example, I was even able to recognize that because of this unconcious feeling of inferiority I have always settled for second-best, leftovers, and hand-me-downs. No wonder my life is so far and gone from where I want to be and where I should be considering my talent and intellect.

Oh, happy day! To be set free from this lie is like taking a huge breath of fresh air just when you think your lungs are about to explode.

Well, I hope your own discovery of your underlying commitments was as freeing for you as ours was for us.

Next week, Stevee and I are going to work on making our vision plans crystal clear. I spoke to her tonight, and she has already started working on hers. I have a few ideas in mind already for mine too. Take this time to start working on yours!

Until next week, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?

REFERENCES:

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.

Kohan, D., Mutchnick, M., & Greenstein, J. (2000, May 23). Ben? Her? Will and Grace, episode #2.23. Retrieved January 12, 2010, from http://www.durfee.net/will/scripts/s0223.htm

Yamamoto, S. (2009, January 30.) The light of the century of humanity. Retrieved January 12, 2010, from http://www.sgi-usa.org/memberresources/mensdivision/docs/The%20Wise%20Members%20of%20the%20MD%20Part%202%20January%2030,%202009.pdf