Am I Standing in my Power or Am I Trying to Please Another?

This week's work with this particular Right Question, Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?, has left me emotionally raw and gasping for air.

I don't suppose it is any coincidence that the culmination of this week coincides with an incredibly rare celestial event, Neptune conjunct Chiron. According to my astrologer, Astrogrrl Jan, Chiron is related to things that are broken, deeply rooted things, and old wounds and healing (personal communication, 2010 January 24). Neptune is related to hope, being able to understand things on a spirtual level, enlightenment and the unseen world (personal communication, 2010 January 24). For me personally, this rare event is occuring in my 8th house. Again, according to Astrogrrl Jan, the 8th house has to do with having to cut ties to get the healing and having to experience a complete death before you can transform it (personal communication, 2010 January 24). She uses the analogy of the caterpillar becoming a butterfly.

Funny, I don't feel like a butterfly. I'm not even sure I feel like a caterpillar, snug as a bug (no pun intended), in a chrysalis. What I do feel, as I told Stevee yesterday morning when she called to see how I was doing, is like I am in the proverbial fetal position. It seems that with Jan's insight, and Suzi Dronzek's astrological forecast for February 17, 2010, I am actually right on track. Why don't I feel a sense of relief??? Is it because the final death blow has not been wielded?? What more "wonderful healing experiences" have I yet to encounter?

Just to assure you that I am really not in a state of histrionics, here is Suzi's posting:

"Depending on where our frame of mind is now - we experience hidden mystical forces that come knocking at our window - ready to steer us into 'Never Never Land' as Neptune conjuncts wounded healer Chiron 12:07am. This heavenly energy presents us with two new roads that will influence our destiny. This first path is an old familiar road that leads us to the 'land of make-believe', where we escape responsibilities by avoiding reality and placing blame. The second path presents us with a new vision to release and heal our past with moral responsibility, so that we 'Never Never' have to play the victim again. Which path have you been dreaming of? Magic exists now, if you believe it. Strong emotional urges for control begin to creep up on us as Moon squares shadowy Pluto 5:00am. Power glows within our own skin, but is weakened by outside influences. Embrace your inner strength. Emotions and common sense unite as Moon sextile logical Mercury 5:23pm, increasing our understanding. The heavens begin to clear out, and we are free to do as we wish without harsh distractions. Dare to bury the past, once and for all - by utilizing this adventurous Aries moon to embark on new journeys - to experience life and love again" ("Daily Horoscope Happenings, February 17," 2010)!

I am aware that I am on the second path that Suzi mentions. I find it rather serendipitous that this path, "a new vision to release and heal our past with moral responsibility, so that we 'Never Never' have to play the victim again," so neatly ties in with this week's Right Question, Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?.

Debbie tells us, " Our instincts are like a barometer; they let us know when we have assigned our power to someone else. Our instincts whisper in our ears, 'Wake up and pay attention. Something's wrong. They shouldn't be treating me like this.' ... If we shrink at the thought of confrontation, chances are we feel too intimidated to speak our truth. ... In order to stand fully in our power we have to become comfortable with confrontation. We have to give ourselves permission to rock the boat and make some waves. We must trust that it is more important that we stick up for ourselves than that we gain the approval of others" (Ford, 2003, p. 86).

I have shared all of this with you because nothing else could better describe exactly what I have been going through this week. That same old wound, "feel[ing] too intimidated to speak [my] truth," is being dealt with once more. This time, though, on an even deeper level.

As Julia Robert's character, Julianne, enlightens us in My Best Friend's Wedding, there are several layers to the deep level. There is the pond scum level, but below that there is "...the fungus that feeds on pond scum. [And] lower[,] the layer of mucous that cruds up the fung[us]" (Bass, n.d.). But then Michael, Dermot Mulroney's charcter, is kind enough to remind us that even two layers below that is "the pus that infects the mucous that cruds up the fungus" (Bass, n.d.). Yep, you guessed it! That's where I am. (Really, I'm serious!! No histrionics going on here at all!)

I guess by now you are probably wondering just what it is that good ole' Neptune has enlightened me to regarding this level of pus, mucous and fungus. That's a fair question. One that is not easy to answer. Not because I don't know the answer, but because I find myself struggling to find the words to explain the answer. Of course it goes back to something I alluded to in my previous posting: the abuse. However, this is specific to the sexual abuse. Hmmmmmmmmmmmm??? Sounds like 8th house stuff to me. Thanks, Astrogrrl!!!

So, keeping this week's Right Question in mind, I am going to muster up the courage to share this with you while trying to keep it in a nut shell. Bare with me...

There is a person in my life whom I absolutely love, cherish and respect. I am so grateful and appreciative to know this person, and our relationship is extremely important to me. For the past four months, we have been dealing with communication issues. These issues became more pronounced over the past month, and then this week, it all just went to hell.

What I have become aware of through these experiences, is that the manner in which this individual does and/or does not communicate with me or respond to me has been reminding me on a subconcious level of the exact manner that the person who sexually abused me would treat me.

The abuser would not acknowledge me during the day. He would treat me as though I were invisible by not responding to me or by excluding me from his communication with our siblings. His manner towards me during the day would be cold, distant and unfeeling. This was devastating to me because I looked up to him as an older brother, somewhat with hero worship. He was loved and adored by everyone in the family. We all wanted to be with him. However, his day-time treatment of me would banish me to a place of isolation where he would only occassionally venture just to be cruel to me in front of everyone else. Then, at night, he would come to me acting loving, interested and attentive. It was such a state of confusion and dichotomy for me. I craved his attention; I was desperate for his acknowledgement and approval. Yet, my intuitive self knew that what he was doing to me was wrong. Having already had my voice stripped from me by my parents, I was afraid to reveal what was going on. I believed I would be blamed for it, and thus punished for it. This set up a life-long conflict between my heart and my mind. So, not only was I being sexually abused by him, I was also being emotionally and psychologically abused by him.

Now I understand why I panic and become desperate when someone I love stops communicating with me or will not respond to me, even if it is only my perception that that is what is happening. This pre-existing conflict between my heart and my mind is triggered. The emotional and psychological abuses are activated. It is a vicious cycle. The more desperate I become, the further isolated and tortured I feel. The more isolated and tortured I feel, the more desperate I become. And in this place, I become intimate once more with the pus, the mucous and the fungus.

This has been an incredible awareness heightening for me. I do believe that awareness is the first step towards healing. It seems that the Universe is definitely conspiring for this aspect of myself to be healed once and for all. Yesterday I received an email from Martha's Quote of the Day that read, "Stopping to clean, dress and stitch up your emotional injuries is a key step toward attaining the life you want.—Martha Beck, Finding Your Own North Star"

I am cleaning, dressing and stitching up these emotional injuries. It is my prayer and my hope that in the process, this relationship that is so dear to me will also be healed.

One final note regarding this week's Right Question. Debbie reminds us, "Each time we ignore our own needs to please another, we disconnect from our own ability to love and nurture ourselves. Please remember that pleasing another is not the same as caring for another. ... This Right Question will support you in reclaiming your power in every aspect of your life" (Ford, 2003, pp. 92-93).

Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 7, Am I Looking for What's Right or Am I Looking for What's Wrong?

Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?

For myself, the best way I know to do this is to follow Suzi's advice and "dare to bury the past, once and for all - by utilizing this adventurous Aries moon to embark on new journeys - to experience life and love again" ("Daily Horoscope Happenings, February 17," 2010)!


REFERENCES:

Bass, R. (n.d.) My best friend's wedding first draft screenplay. Retrieved February 17, 2010, from http://www.imsdb.com/scripts/My-Best-Friend

Dronzek, S. (2010). Daily horoscope happenings, February 17. Horoscope Happenings blogspot. Retrieved February 17, 2010, from http://ow.ly/16AYOC

Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.