WOW! It has been a month since I have made a posting. I just simply could not do it, especially in light of this Right Question, Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve, or will I use it to beat myself up? "This Right Question will immediately shift our perspective from one of self-doubt or recrimination to one of open-minded learning" (Ford, 2003, p. 118). This has been a HARD month for me. Week after week, I felt I was still in the growing and evolving process. I was not ready to move on to the next Right Question. Finally, I have broken free. That is not to say that the growing and evolving has been completed. It only means that I have experienced so many paradigm shifts on so many levels that I am ready to move forward once more.
Once I fully knew that my healing was about me, and my love's healing was about him (refer to my previous posting), it sort of initially set me up energetically as "every man for himself." I got this mental image of the plane crashing into the ocean and hearing the flight attendant's reminder to put on your own oxygen mask first. Thus began the process of not beating myself up; trying to remember to breathe. That came in handy time and time again: remember to breathe.
The second thing I knew that I had to do, immediately, was detach. I had to detach from the probability that the relationship was over. I had to know without a doubt that if I never heard from him again, I would be okay. I had to utterly and completely surrender it all, so that I would not use the mistakes I had made in our relationship as a club with which to beat myself. Of course, my ability to surrender and the levels of detachment I was able to reach morphed through many incarnations over the past month. What I can say for sure is that the relationship has served its purpose, and I have become liberated.
This is where the growing and evolving part comes in for me: being able to recognize and appreciate all of the wonderful things I have learned about myself through the experience of that very intense relationship. There are a lot of finer points that I could elaborate on that might only mean anything purposeful to me. However, as I look over my internal landscape, I am able to identify two key areas of growth that relate specifically to how I have evolved and the subsequent transformation of the way in which I communicate. Communication is a tricky thing. It occurs on the subtlest of levels to the most overt. It is intregal to how we relate to ourselves as well as how we relate to others.
The first area of growth for me occured in being able to identify that I had a long standing imbalance between my masculine and feminine energies. From my childhood experiences, starting with my position as the oldest child, through my experiences as an adult, including being a single parent, my energies were constantly being pushed towards a masculine expression in order to manage and cope with the personal and professional situations at hand. If I did not do it, it was not going to get done.
It was startling for me to realize that I did not even know how to express my feminine energy. There had been no strong female role models in my life. The women I knew were subservient to, and in many ways emotionally and psychologically imprisoned by, the men in their lives. I had already determined from my earliest awareness that I was never going to allow a man to tell me what I could and could not do; I was not ever going to put myself in a position where I had to ask a man's permission to do anything. This was the first shift from a place of balance into "the safety and protection" of my masculine energy. It was also the birth of the hidden belief that a married woman is not a free woman. This certainly explains to me why I am 47 and have never been married. Afterall, who in their right mind would willingly allow themselves to get caught in a steel trap only to have to gnaw off their foot to break free????
As I thought about and literally researched how I should or could express myself in a more feminine manner, I felt more and more panicked. The pricks of pain this conscious exploration caused me was like the blood trying to flow into a limb that has "fallen asleep." I was unable to find any cultural expression or ideal of the feminine with which I could identify that could help me move into my feminine side. I was looking for some type of archetypical roadmap that could help me find my way into this unchartered territory and ensure my success. Instead, I felt like I was trying to squeeze into a costume to appear as though I was being feminine. It was awkward and uncomfortable. That is when the answer finally came to me. I had to allow my feminine energy to emerge from within me, like a rose blooming on a bush, so that the uniqueness and the authenticity of my feminine self could be revealed. That was a scary realization. I had no idea what it would look like, nor whether, once revealed, if it would be acceptable. Still, I knew it was crucial to allow the transformation to occur, not only for me as a person so that I could become whole, but also in terms of being able to start communicating from this softer and more receptive place. I had been fighting battles for so long. I was exhausted from carrying the weight of my sword. My life's path was strewn with too many lost relationships.
The second area of growth for me was in being able to identify my own boundaries and then standing strong to keep them in place. A friend of mine once told me that it is difficult for adults of childhood abuse to set and maintain boundaries. She explained to me that this is because a person who is a victim of abuse has had their boundaries consistently violated. The word "boundary" was hard for me to internalize. I could not formulate an image that represented the concept. I did not know how to identify what a boundary for me would be. I did not understand, if I did know what one was, how I would be able to maintain it.
This has been a long, painful process for me that has slowly evolved over the past two and a half years. I am so proud to be able to say that I finally get it. It is because of my being able to recognize and respect my own boundaries that I have become liberated. This is true freedom that has nothing to do with whether you are a man or a woman. In one way, this learning process has been another facet of my transformation. This facet, however, has to do with how I communicate with myself. In another way, this growth has provided me with a safety-net that has enabled me to restore my balance, shifting from my masculine energy back into my feminine energy. By being able to recognize and respect my own boundaries, I no longer need to "protect" myself with the hidden belief that married women are not free. I no longer need to fight against the world from a place of total masculine energy. I can now communicate with myself and with others from a much more compassionate place.
"Free will provides us with the power to choose how we will deal with our experiences. ... Everything in this life can be used to transform us, to bring us closer to our spiritual essence and our dreams. ... That is what is meant by the saying, 'Life is a teacher to the wise man and an enemy to the fool.' By seeing life as a teacher, we transcend the pain and suffering we put on ourselves" (Ford, 2003, pp. 116-117). I emphasized the words "we put on ourselves" because it is important to realize, before any growth or evolution can occur within us, that all of our pain and suffering, external and internal, is created by and/or attracted by ourselves in order for us to be able to identify exactly where we are ready to heal and release.
By the way, I was sent this quote today, and I think it is perfect for our discussion:
I try to use the phrase “Tell me where I’m wrong” at least four or five times a day. Try it. You’ll see that while insisting that you’re right is gratifying, accepting that you’re wrong can be transformative. ~ Martha Beck, O Magazine, March 2007
Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 10, Does this choice empower me or does it disempower me?
Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?
REFERENCES:
Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.
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