The problem, again, boils down to communication. We have different communication styles. He tends to withdraw and not communicate at all. The other problem is that, being significantly older, I am able to see little things that do not make sense which set-off alarms for me. Couple that with the fact that I am a woman, I also intuitively feel when things are not right. With him not communicating, and me being left to my own devices while knowing something is "off," naturally my mind starts to fill in all the blanks on its own. Sure, I will admit that the blanks may be filled in with the worst case scenarios. So, on that point, I have to concede that he is right. However, I am not the only one wielding a sword. He has one too. I am naturally a problem-solver. As a problem-solver, I am always looking for answers. Researching answers requires a lot of question asking in order to know in which direction I should go. When I start to ask him questions, he raises his sword. He immediately becomes defensive. Now, we are striking at each other, the wounding begins, and the cycle is put into motion. He retreats for extended periods of time, punishing me with his silence. He knows I adore him, and will eventually come after him. I do. I have been the one that has always reached out first. But I only reach out after I have looked at myself inside and out to find out what I have done wrong, and have figured out why I did it. During these mini-breaks, is he introspective and self-reflective? I cannot say. I do not know. However, through the course of doing this work, I have uncovered for myself, source after source of pain that I have never before known. Through this course, I have had the courage to own my pain and be responsible for its healing.
This time I have learned something new. As much as I want to go after him, I keep stopping myself. I cannot stand the thought that he might in any way be suffering because of something I have done. And then, I stop myself. I do not in any way want him to attribute labels of judgement, embarrassment or shame to my words because they were never intended to do that. And then, I stop myself. I want desperately for him to understand that my words were spoken from a place of deep hurt, and not as a motive to cause him pain. And then, I stop myself. I stop myself because I have realized that we are equals in this relationship. I stop myself because, just as I realized last week that I cannot blame him for my pain, I have come to realize that he cannot blame me for his pain. I stop myself because I have become aware that, in this dance, we are only showing each other the places within ourselves that are ready to be healed. I stop myself because I have realized that just as tending to my suffering is my responsibility, so too is tending to his suffering his responsibility. I stop myself because, finally, I have realized, despite my Cancer rising and my Cancer moon, that no matter how much I want to, I cannot take away his pain. I know that it is through our pain and suffering that we grow. As much as I want to nurture and protect him, I love him too much to try to take away an opportunity for him to grow and become the best he can be.
So, you see, by choosing this time not to go after him, I am standing in my power. By understanding why I am making this concious choice, I am looking for what is right in something that at first glance, appears to be so wrong. Finally, by practicing these two Right Questions:
- Am I standing in my power or am I trying to please another?
- Am I looking for what's right or am I looking for what's wrong?
I am making choices that add to my life force. By stopping the cycle, and waiting for him to come to me this time, we will restore balance to our relationship. Having a balanced relationship will also add to my life force.
One other thing that my love said to me this week was, "Whenever you feel bad and all is closed in on your face, or even when you're angry, just pray." So, this is another choice that I am making to add to my life force. I am praying. I am praying for him. I am praying for me. I am praying for us. When I pray, I feel completely connected to him. That feeling of connection adds to my life force as well because, ultimately, I know that he and I are one. Salam, my dear.
Over the course of this week, we will be focused on the right question, Chapter 9, Will I use this situation as a catalyst to grow and evolve or will I use it to beat myself up?How apropos that this question is rising up to meet me at this exact juncture in my path. Allah is merciful, indeed!
Until next week, remember, ask yourself each day, "How am I going to love and honor myself today" (Ford, 2003, p. 147)?REFERENCES:
Ford, D. (2003). The right questions: Ten essential questions to guide you to an extraordinary life. New York: Harper Collins Publishers, Inc.
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Thanks Eileen, I enjoyed reading your post. In my line of creative work, as an intuitive consultant but also as a commercial artist - I'm a 'creative problem-solver' myself. If a business ad has run its course, it will get lost in all the other ads. My job is to pick out the weak points and/or decay, to guide and rebuild what isn't going to 'weather the coming storm'. You seem to know the 'cracks'... And what use to work, isn't working anymore. Rather than stifling your natural talent of problem-solving, embrace it - experimenting with alternative methods that you haven't tried before. :o)
ReplyDeleteSince I have written this posting, a close friend helped me understand something about myself. As a natural problem-solver, I have spent my life trying to understand, justify and make sense of why I was being hurt by people. Little did I realize that this pattern was set up in my early childhood. As a child, I was horribly wounded by the people who were supposed to love me and protect me the most. As a child, I was trying to figure out why ~ to make sense of something that made no sense. Now that I am aware of this, I feel I will be able to experiment with alternative methods. Thanks again for everything, Suzi.
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